Thoughts on Life and Other Random Things

On knowing that single is the best option....

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:21:00 +0000

So, it has been a really long time since I have written anything. Last semester was busy with school and grad school. I was trying to find my teaching groove. I had no time to think about men or dating or going out. However, since grad school let out before winter break and school slowed down with the break and then finals, I had a little bit of time to question whether or not being single was as glorious as I was beginning to think it was. I am still not fully convinced that being single is utopia, but then again, is being in a relationship ever utopia past the first few months? There are some distinct advantages to single life. I can do what I want when I want to do it. If I want to come home on Friday and not leave the house until Monday, I can do that. If I want to see some girly chick flick, I can do that without anyone complaining and rolling their eyes beside me. My house is cleaner. I can sleep with my dogs in the bed. I can go hang out with whichever friends I want without having to worry about someone else getting along with them. I can wear sweats all the time and no one cares.

But, there are a lot of things I miss about being in a relationship. I miss having someone to talk to at night. When I do want to lock myself in my house for the weekend, it would be nice to have someone else around, at least part of the time, to hold a conversation with. I miss someone asking me how my day was and really caring. I miss intimacy, a lot. Not the sex part, but the wanting to sit next to someone and hold their hand part.

But finding those things comes at a cost, and I have come to the conclusion that that cost is too high. The putting yourself out there and being disappointed time after time. I could sit on here and tell you story after story about men who have told me one thing and then done another. And, at this point, I am so used to getting lied to, I almost expect it. A guy tells me he'll call me and doesn't call at the exact time he said he would, and I immediately believe I'll never hear from him again. And most of the time, I am right. Yet, I keep falling for it. Why? I think life would be much easier if I just shut myself off. I'm tired of thinking, "Okay. This one may be different." And then being proven wrong every time. EVERY TIME.

So, I give. I'm done. I am accepting the fact that I am just not meant to be in a relationship. I am meant to be the crazy dog lady. And it's okay. I have my kids, and I need to focus on them. I deserve better than I have ever gotten, and it's time for me to put my foot down. I am better than needing a man. I DON'T need a man.

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 18:39:00 +0000

Wow. I have been really, really busy lately. Haven't had time to blog at all. My last entry was on the first day of school, and the first six weeks just ended on Friday. So, I turned 40 last Monday. Kind of bittersweet. I've had a great birthday (or as my dad calls it birthday month). I started the celebration with a visit to my best friend from college, Stephanie, on the 19th. Hadn't seen her in 7 years. We had a blast. She's one of those friends that, no matter how much time passes, we can pick up right where we left off. I got to meet her husband, who is very nice, and we had a great time catching up. Then, last Saturday, we had a party. My friend Cecelia turned 40 on Friday, so we had a big karaoke party at her house to celebrate our joint birthdays. My throat hurt the next day from singing so much. Perfect way to usher in a new decade. The culmination of my birthday celebration is next weekend with a girls' road trip to Austin. Can't wait. All my best friends are going. We are staying in a great hotel. Fun.

Now that my actual birthday has passed, I am not having quite as hard a time with the big 4-0 as I was. However, every time I realize that I am actually 40, I cringe. I don't know why. I have so much going for me at this point, I should feel a sense of accomplishment. I have great kids and awesome friends, I am loving the new job, and I am doing well in grad school. I have a nice house and a secure financial future. And, for the first time ever, I am really, really, enjoying being single. I am really at the point where I would rather be single than in a relationship. My life is full like it is. And no man would put up with the number of dogs I have right now. 4. It's a pack, really, but they make me happy. And I also have finally gotten my house the way I want it. I have fixed everything and decorated the way I like it. So, bottom line, I have started a new decade in my life, and for the first time ever, I am right in the place where I want to be.

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:23:00 +0000

So, I survived the first day of teaching middle school without a scratch. It was actually much easier than I ever dreamed it would be. The kids were calm, the school was orderly. Hoping this is not the calm before some kind of big storm.......

But I think I am going to really like teaching older kids. I didn't have to do all the repetition of the rules that you have to with the small ones. They came in, they sat down, they got to work. All on their own. The schedule is a little difficult. It is going to be hard to teach a lesson and give them time for practice in 45 minutes. I'm sure I'll figure it out. However, the teaching the same lesson 5 times in a day is going to wear on me, I think. I was so sick of going over rules by the end of the day, I wanted to scream.

Oh, well, this is a brand new adventure....

Exhausted, Anxious....

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 03:01:00 +0000

Not sure what the deal is with me, or maybe I am. Let's see...have been going non-stop for the past pretty much 4 weeks straight--a week of pre-school shopping, 2 weeks of training and this week at my new school. Monday officially begins my life as a middle school teacher. I'm exhausted, anxious, freaked out, stressed out. And as bad as this all seems, it really isn't. I read a blog the other day about how we don't just live one continuous life but a series of small lives all connected together. If this is true, then I am starting my next new life. My most recent life has been the one in which I have adjusted to being single and gotten back on my feet. I've been feeling for a while that I was ready for a new phase, or a new life, and this is it. So, I am standing on the edge looking out over the horizon.

So, I have been in these meetings at my school for the past two days. Everything is going well. I like the people I work with. I like my school and my room. Our principal has been showing us "The Ron Clark Story" in an effort to inspire us. And, yes, his story is wonderful and inspiring, but to a person who has never taught middle school, it is quite terrifying. Have you seen this movie? This guy goes from South Carolina or somewhere like that to teach in Harlem. The kids do their best to run him off. In the end, he ends up inspiring them, blah, blah, blah. Wonderful story. However, the crap the kids put him through during the time they were trying to run him off...how could he make it through that? And you think it could be a big exaggeration, but I have taught before. Nothing surprises me at this point. So, let's hope that next week for me isn't anywhere near Ron Clark's first week, or everyone will have to visit me in the insane asylum.

Is It Wrong to Want to be Nancy Botwin?

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 23:50:00 +0000

Subscribing to Showtime has really upped the number of shows that I dvr. I mean, I have always had HBO, not Showtime. I love the HBO shows. Started watching them years ago. Can't wait for Entourage and Curb Your Enthusiasm to come back. But these Showtime shows are amazingly entertaining. Dexter. Genius. Californication. I watched the entire last season in about a week the second I got Showtime. I have been waiting with bated breath for the return of Hank Moody. I can't wait to cheer him on while he tries to stay monogamous. The Secret Diary of a Call Girl is also excellent and juicy. And, as I mentioned before, I Can't Believe I'm Still Single is my favorite train wreck to watch weekly.

But WEEDS is probably my favorite. I missed the first two seasons. However, the wonders of On Demand caught me up with season 3 and I haven't missed an episode of season 4. I mean, what is not to love about a pot dealing suburban soccer mom? At this point, Nancy, Andy, Doug, Celia and the kids make up the most bizarre family you could imagine. But that is what they are--a big family. The way Doug and Andy work together in their bizarre, yet brilliant, coyote business. The way Nancy always takes care of Celia, no matter how many times she screws up. Mary Louise Parker is pure greatness as Nancy. She is beautiful and strong and smart. This week, when she sat down with the boys for their respective sex talks was awesome, nervously swigging wine while she soldiered through the embarrassing task. The way she confronted Silas' much older new lover, slyly throwing in the bit about the woman's own son. She is clever and frank and honest, and I love that. She doesn't try to sugar coat what she does or how she feels, and you have to respect her for that. So, although I would never choose dealing pot as a way to finance my family, I would like to be the fearless Nancy Botwin.

A Little Bit of Closure

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:29:00 +0000

Can today really only be Tuesday? I had to sit through 4 days of training last week and 2 so far this week. 3 to go this week and then another 3 next week. Seriously? Is this much training truly necessary? Wait, I can answer that---no. It is ridiculous. I have already previously gotten every bit of training that they have forced me to sit through so far. As mentioned before, couldn't Dallas ISD spend its money more wisely? I think, yes.

Other than that, things are going fairly swimmingly. Kids are doing well. I am not overly stressed out; a bit crabby, maybe, but that is to be expected. It's hot here now, but I hardly notice it, as I am inside all day during the week and sitting in the pool on the weekend. I am reading a great book right now--Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett, so every chance I get during training, I pull it out. It has made the time go a bit faster.

Went out on Friday and was happy to head home at 10:30. In fact, really wished I hadn't wasted the mascara and cute outfit at all, which is a huge milestone for me. Got some closure on a loose-ended relationship, which made me happy. I don't quite understand, why, even at this age, men can't be adults. At this point in my life, I'm not interested in wasting my time dating for the sake of dating, and I don't see why a guy would be, either. It's hard enough to make things work when you are totally into someone, but when you are lukewarm or totally cold about someone, it's complete torture. Being single is a much better alternative, in my opinion. And guys act like you are going to die if they tell you the truth. Hardly. I would much rather know that they aren't feelin' it than drag things out. Chances are, I'm not feelin' it, either. Like this guy that I finally talked to this weekend--we went out a couple of times. We had fun both times. Interesting conversation; good beer drinking; no romantic spark. I knew this, and quite frankly, I didn't feel it, either. I was more trying to give things a chance because a) he was totally hot and 2) I was trying to listen to the rationale that it's not always fireworks at first sight (but honestly, mostly a and he was smart, which I am totally not used to in a man). Anyway. We went out. We had fun. I knew he wasn't feelin' it. Then, I hear from him sporadically when I changed my status on Facebook or Myspace to "feeling bummed" or "in Florida" which was about twice in 2 months. So, in an act of flushing out all the uselessness in my life, I deleted him from my friend lists, figuring he had only contacted me to be polite and, quite frankly, tired of staring at his face and reading his updates every time I logged on. Immediately, I get an email on Facebook from him: "Hey, you deleted me. Are we not friends anymore? blah, blah, blah." Really? Seriously? You care that I deleted you? I couldn't even believe that he noticed I had done it. And if he had really cared, I'm sure he would have called. Or at least been polite when I offered to cook him dinner or been honest with me about his feelings then. So, Saturday, I misdialed him. He called me back on Sunday. He finally admitted to having no romantic feelings for me and asked me why we couldn't be friends. Doesn't he understand that if he had been up front with me after we went out, I would have been happy to be his friend? Doesn't he understand that his ignoring the situation is the whole reason I have no desire to pretend like we are friends? I'm sure Mr. Hotness has girls fawning all over him all the time, which is fine. I'm just not one of those girls.

Beauracracy

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:57:00 +0000

So, I've official started my new job with DISD. My entire career has been with this district. I resigned last summer in order to save my own sanity--a couple of really tough years and really bad administrators made me question whether or not teaching was really where I needed to be. After much soul searching and looking around at other options, I knew that I needed to be back in the classroom. Fast forward to last April when I got a great position at a really good school working with my best friend and a wonderful administrative staff. As I am signing my paperwork, I am told that I have to attend new teacher training. I protest; the HD guy points out that I am getting a sign on bonus, an obvious diversion tactic. So, I am thinking ok, a week of training, no big deal. I then attend my benefits orientation meeting (yes, I had to sit through 4 hours of someone telling me about the district that I have worked for for 13 years and how to use the benefits website that I have been using since its inception). We are handed a schedule for the "New Teacher Academy." 10 days of training. 10. Days. As I sit and look at the schedule, I realize that 2 entire days are trainings I have already had. I ask the presenter if there is any way I can get credit for these days. He gives me the name of the person I need to call in the New Teacher Support Department. I call this man and he tells me that I will, in fact, have to attend all portions of the training. He tries to console me by telling me I will be an "expert on my campus" in those areas that I have already been trained on. Good God. Seriously?

So, this week I started the training. I'll admit the orientation on my campus was useful. And then we got to hear Dr. Harry Wong speak. Awesome. That was Monday and half of Tuesday. The usefulness of my training has gone steadily downhill from there with no end in sight next week. I am sitting in classrooms with people who have never taught before being given the same information that they are being given. A majority of the people are Alternative Certification interns who have actually never set foot inside a real classroom. The questions they have, though good ones for someone who has never been a teacher, are completely irrelevant to my situation.

Don't you think the district's dollars could be better spent? I mean, they are having to hire extra presenters, take up more space, etc. just to give experienced teachers training they don't need. I can see wanting to make sure brand new teachers are prepared, but is 2 weeks truly necessary for veteran teachers? I can tell you; it isn't. My father has always been of the mind that Dallas ISD is way too big and should be divided in to sub-districts, and I have a tendency to agree. The district is too big to be efficient. The right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing at any given moment. One department tells you one thing and another completely contradicts it.

Whatever. Can't change it. Just have to get through the next week and then enter the cocoon that is my school.

Pandora Radio--helping or harming me? :)

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 03:07:00 +0000

My daughter, the elder, turned me onto this new website...Pandora Radio. Love it. Though she may rue the day that she ever showed it to me. I am currently going through an acoustic guitar, dreamy male singer who sings about A. his undying devotion to the one he loves and how he will climb mountains and swim oceans to get to her or 2. how he is so sorry that he screwed up the relationship with the one that he was thus devoted to. So, now, I can add many, many of such singers to my current sparse repertoire of Joshua Radin, Brad Passons, John Mayer and Jack Johnson. Now, I have tons of new music I can buy and bore her to death each time we enter the car.

And about this new music that I am obsessed with....don't know if it is helping or harming me. I mean, every single song is a love ballad about the greatest love ever known. Something I am sorely lacking in my own life. So, I sit and listen and often tear up at the sweetness of it all. I really think I am listening to this kind of music so much simply because I don't have anything at all close to that kind of love, or any love for that matter, in my life. I usually can't listen to that kind of music because it makes me resent the person I am with, knowing that he doesn't and will never love me anywhere near as much as these guys love their gals. But, right now, I can listen and become hopeful that I will find it. I can tell myself that it is out there for me. Today, my love life has no limitations, if you think about it. I haven't boxed myself into a relationship with someone who falls short of one of my long list of expectations. Right now, I still have the hope of finding that one guy who meets all the criterion which I have set. And I think that is why I am so terrified every time I start a relationship. About 5 minutes into it, I realize that there is something "wrong" with them and I panic.

But, no matter, because sitting in my house or my friends' houses does not afford me many opportunities to meet eligible men, now does it? And it isn't that I am not willing to make some effort, but what kind of effort is there to make? Too old to do the bar scene. Online dating is a complete nightmare...complete. Oh well. If it is meant to be, it will be, right?

so.....

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 06:08:00 +0000

I thought that I didn't understand men, but I was wrong. I do. I understand them perfectly. And that is why I need to remind myself every day how great being single is. I read a quote the other day that said, "Misplaced hope is only prolonged disappointment." So true. And, realtionship-wise, I always have a lot of misplaced hope. I have always thought there would be that one big lightning strike and that would be it. But that isn't how life is. At all. And all relationships are are misplaced hope. You think you are making a connection with someone. You get yourself all worked up, thinking that something great is about to happen and then comes the big fizzle for one reason or another. And that is the story of every relationship. At this point in my life, I can't handle the hope anymore. I can't handle getting excited about someone to find out they aren't excited about me or they are more excited about someone else. So, I am out like Shout on this one. I have enough going on in my life to occupy me. Actually, probably too much. I just really wish that I could get to the point that I was totally content with things the way they are. The point where I don't think about men at all. That would be so nice. I want to be at the point where when I there is a cute guy at the grocery store, I don't even notice him at all.

So, for all of you who have found it, I am happy for you. Really. I just don't think that it is for me. Now, I need to take some time to mourn the death of a dream a little bit. I need to come to accept that it isn't going to happen, painful as that thought may be.

Back to Work

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:11:00 +0000

I have been in a funk all week. This is my last week before I have to go back to work and I have been running around trying to get all the kids' stuff for school--backpacks, school supplies, shoes--and trying to get myself back in the groove of working. I went up and worked in my classroom one day this week and made a little bit of headway. Tried to go up today but the school was locked. I am really hoping that Monday and the two workdays next week will be sufficient.

But I have just been really stressed out. Short with the kids. Crabby around my friends. I don't know quite what it is. I know part of it is the end of summer and the beginning of a new job. I mean, even though I have taught for 12 years, I have never taught middle school. It is going to be really different and it is fairly scary. But is that what is causing my mood? I really don't feel like it has been weighing on my mind enough to cause me to feel this off. And I know it isn't hormones, so what is it? As I've said, things are going pretty well for me right now. So why do I feel like I want to scream at everyone around me or burst into tears at any given moment?

Men.....

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 22:48:00 +0000

I have finally come to realize over the past year that I truly do not understand men. I have spent my entire adult life trying to find "the one," failing at marriages (yes, plural. 2 to be exact) and relationships. Hanging on to the wrong guy for much too long way too many times. Always trying to make that impossible situation work, hoping that I could.

Over the past year, I have finally shed my co-dependent ways and come to grips with my singlehood. I am comfortable in my own skin, have great kids and awesome friends, and really love my life. I now relish those previously dreaded nights at home alone. I love being able to do what I want, when I want. I love to get home in the early evening and watch the dvr, talk on the phone for hours with my friends, snuggle with the dogs...... For instance, tonight, I went out to dinner with my friends. Came home early and talked to my best friend on the phone. Now, I am here. Writing this. Completely content.

However, there is still the little nagging in the back of my head. That part of me that wants to find that someone. I never in a million years thought I would ever end up single. I am fairly good at relationships and enjoy being in them, always felt that I was meant to be in one. I would love to find a relationship that works, but every time I start to think I may have found a connection, something goes terribly awry. They change completely. They turn out to be too controlling, too needy, too strange, too hypocritical. Or worse yet, they just like to have a bevy of woman "friends." They keep in contact just enough to make sure I am around but they A. are not interested and 2. are either in or at least pursuing another relationship, stringing me along as their plan B or C or D or just keeping me around to up their numbers. So, I have to ask myself--is it even worth trying? Right now, I am thinking no. I am thinking that the place where I am is enough for me. And, believe me, this place is not Utopia. I have many relationships in my life that have limitations, but at least I know those limitations. And I do have one friend who knows me best. I can count on her no matter what to see my side and tell me the truth. And to be there for me when I fall, not matter whether I followed her advice or I didn't. and for her, I am grateful. And I have my sister who listens to my constant ramblings and sits on the other end of the line, cheering for me and supporting me. And I have my beautiful daughters who make me smile for countless reasons. So, I am lucky. It's kind of like that Sex and the City episode where Carrie points out that we have 3 parts to our lives: friends, jobs and relationships. She then wonders if it is at all possible to have all 3 working at the same time. And I have to agree with her. I've never made it happen.

But in my heart, I am the eternal optimist, so I know I will find what I am looking for and more. I will find the one who understands me, who brings me flowers, who cooks me dinner, who wants to sit on the couch with me, my legs over his, and watch a movie, who wants to kiss my neck every time he walks by me and takes my breath away when he does.

Lack of Sleep and the Newest Train Wreck Program I Have Found

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 15:29:00 +0000

So I stayed up again last night until 3:30. Doing nothing important. Playing on the computer and watching tv. This is my last free week before school starts. I am having to get up in the morning and get the girls to VBS by 9, so that will help get me prepared for the upcoming early mornings. However, I just can't get to myself to go to sleep at night. I have a horrible afternoon lull where I am falling asleep sitting straight up. I feel my eyelids getting heavy in the middle of conversations. I am exhausted. And then, somehow, I catch a second wind after dinner and I'm up until the wee hours of the morning. I'm sure if I would just turn off the computer and the tv, I could fall asleep earlier, but I always find some great new website or have some episode of Weeds or something on dvr that I HAVE to watch. Ridiculous, I know.

Next week the regular hours begin, so I am sure it will be much easier to force myself to go to sleep. Luckily, the first two weeks is inane new teacher training. Yes, I have taught for the district for 12 years and have to attend training with all the people right out of college. It is the brilliance of DallasISD. I guess they are trying to give people some incentive not to resign. Unfortunately, you must learn by the example of others. Fortunately for my friends and colleagues, I am that example. But the two weeks will give my body a chance to re acclimate to regular work hours after a year of part-time, set my own hours time. I have become spoiled and really will need the two weeks to practice getting up and being somewhere at a certain time again. And at least I can sit in a back corner and read a book during most of the training. Or take a nap.

I have recently gotten Showtime. I have always been a big fan of the HBO Original Series--The Sopranos, Entourage, Big Love, Sex and the City....I have now discovered the Showtime originals, and they are great. Weeds and Californication are probably my new favorite shows of all times. And then there is the train wreck. The one I can't take my eyes off of because I must see what this guy is going to do next---I Can't Believe I'm Still Single. It is a documentary-type show that follows Eric Shaeffer on a cross country book tour and dating spree. He is a writer/producer/actor/whatever who I only had heard about because I rented his movie "If Lucy Fell." Good chick flick, but I kept wondering the whole time how Sara Jessica Parker could ever in a million years fall for the guy cast as the male lead. Until I saw the credits. It was Eric Shaeffer. He wrote, produced and directed the movie, explaining how that slouchy guy was cast as a love interest for SJP and Elle Macpherson. But I digress. Back to the show. This guy is middle aged, slightly below average looking and has many and varied emotional and sexual hangups. He is crude and inappropriate--in one episode he hit on the girl giving him a colonic during the actual colonic. He is constantly wearing either a white undershirt or some t-shirt that looks and fits like he's had it since junior high. He obviously thinks he is some great catch, when, in fact, he is a complete screwball that probably has some kinky sex room hidden in his house somewhere. In one episode, he calls a girl with whom he obviously has had some sort of sexual relationship with. She is a clown in her spare time, so while on speaker phone in the car in front of his producer and on camera, he calls her and persuades her to come to his hotel room wearing her clown make up so that he can have sex with a clown. After he gets off the phone, he is kind of laughing about how funny it will be when she shows up and the cameras are there. Sadly, the poor girl falls for it and shows up in her make up. She is horrified to see the cameras, of course, but for some strange reason stays and has sex with him. In a rare show of taste, or because the producers wouldn't let him show it, this part is omitted. However, he makes a point afterward of coming to the producers' door to tell her what time to be up in the morning (he had clearly told her previously) with the white clown make up smeared all over his face. Pig. Complete pig. And I can't believe he's still single! But I also can't take my eyes off the train wreck that is his life!

First Post

noreply@blogger.com (Mel) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 07:27:00 +0000

So, inspired by a new friend of mine, I decided to start a blog. He has one. I read it today, and it is amazing how interesting it is to sit and read that kind of thing. Another person's experiences, thoughts and perspectives.

I always mean to journal, but get side tracked and don't keep up with it like I should. And I should. I met a guy in a bar last August. And I don't know if anyone else believes in this kind of stuff, but I do--he was psychic. I was just standing there next to him and he turns to me and starts telling me all sorts of stuff about my life and my relationship with my grandmother and things that no one could possibly know. It was eerie. He told me who I needed to get rid of in my life and when I would finally meet someone worthwhile. I stood there and listened and cried because all of it was so real. Anyway, I am starting to sound like a bit of a kook, but the bottom line is that he told me that my deceased grandmother to whom I was extremely close had something she needed to tell me. He told me that I needed to start journaling and remembering my dreams because that is how she was trying to get her message through to me. He told me details that make me believe it is true. So, here goes. My online journal. Hoping I can be more consistent than I am with the pen and paper kind. And, all that aside, I am starting a brand new chapter in my life. I'm starting a job teaching middle school for the first time, I am starting grad school, and my daughters are starting high school and middle school. I'm sure interesting stories and most likely hilarity will abound. Teaching middle school has to generate a good story or two, right?