Men.....

I have finally come to realize over the past year that I truly do not understand men. I have spent my entire adult life trying to find "the one," failing at marriages (yes, plural. 2 to be exact) and relationships. Hanging on to the wrong guy for much too long way too many times. Always trying to make that impossible situation work, hoping that I could.

Over the past year, I have finally shed my co-dependent ways and come to grips with my singlehood. I am comfortable in my own skin, have great kids and awesome friends, and really love my life. I now relish those previously dreaded nights at home alone. I love being able to do what I want, when I want. I love to get home in the early evening and watch the dvr, talk on the phone for hours with my friends, snuggle with the dogs...... For instance, tonight, I went out to dinner with my friends. Came home early and talked to my best friend on the phone. Now, I am here. Writing this. Completely content.

However, there is still the little nagging in the back of my head. That part of me that wants to find that someone. I never in a million years thought I would ever end up single. I am fairly good at relationships and enjoy being in them, always felt that I was meant to be in one. I would love to find a relationship that works, but every time I start to think I may have found a connection, something goes terribly awry. They change completely. They turn out to be too controlling, too needy, too strange, too hypocritical. Or worse yet, they just like to have a bevy of woman "friends." They keep in contact just enough to make sure I am around but they A. are not interested and 2. are either in or at least pursuing another relationship, stringing me along as their plan B or C or D or just keeping me around to up their numbers. So, I have to ask myself--is it even worth trying? Right now, I am thinking no. I am thinking that the place where I am is enough for me. And, believe me, this place is not Utopia. I have many relationships in my life that have limitations, but at least I know those limitations. And I do have one friend who knows me best. I can count on her no matter what to see my side and tell me the truth. And to be there for me when I fall, not matter whether I followed her advice or I didn't. and for her, I am grateful. And I have my sister who listens to my constant ramblings and sits on the other end of the line, cheering for me and supporting me. And I have my beautiful daughters who make me smile for countless reasons. So, I am lucky. It's kind of like that Sex and the City episode where Carrie points out that we have 3 parts to our lives: friends, jobs and relationships. She then wonders if it is at all possible to have all 3 working at the same time. And I have to agree with her. I've never made it happen.

But in my heart, I am the eternal optimist, so I know I will find what I am looking for and more. I will find the one who understands me, who brings me flowers, who cooks me dinner, who wants to sit on the couch with me, my legs over his, and watch a movie, who wants to kiss my neck every time he walks by me and takes my breath away when he does.