Hello, 2012.

So, 2011 wasn't the greatest year. Yes, it could have been much worse; I agree. And, yes, it did have its moments. And its lessons...lots of lessons. But, overall, there were too many lessons and not enough laughter. There will be much more laughter in 2012. I'm sure of it. There will also be much more of me creeping outside my comfort zone. There are two reasons for this: 1) I need to get a life (just ask my teenage daughters) and 2) I am going apto find love this year (and, right now, unless it's with the Chinese food delivery guy or my mailman, I'm going to have to get out of my house).

I am honestly going to try to do as many new things as possible this year. Inspired by my lack of life and Patti Stanger's Become Your Own Matchmaker, I am going to try wine tastings, sports bars, festivals and anything else I can work up the courage to do by myself or with friends. And I am not going to let my friends' resistance to fun hamper me. Half the reason I spend much of my free time with my rear end glued to the corner of the couch, talking to my dogs like they are people, is that my friends like their couches and their animals way too much. In the 7 years since my divorce, I have swung from one end of the spectrum to the other. I used to be blowing and going every minute that my kids weren't here, only coming home to sleep and shower. I went out, saw movies, listened to bands, went to events, had brunch, pretty much anything I could find that didn't involve me sitting here alone. Slowly, through the years, I have spent more and more time at home. Alone. Watching tv and talking to my dogs. I think I crossed the line from "I'm okay with being home alone, finally" to "I would rather sit on my couch in my sweats than leave my house, for any reason" this summer after I broke my ankle and had to spend 23 hrs. a day for 4 months on my couch. Whatever the cause, I am thinking that I am WAY too comfortable being at home in my sweats at this point. Honestly, if I wait for my friends to assist me in my quest for a new, more balanced life, I will die sitting in the corner of my couch, surrounded by my dogs. This may happen any way; however, I would like to at least be able to say I tried.

Therefore, I am going to try to get out and try something new at least every other week. I'm going to try to increase this to once a week, but baby steps for now.

Progress on the Mending Bone

Went to the dr. today. I should be able to drive and put some weight on it tomorrow. Crutches gone within a week or so; boot gone in 4. Wow. That's a lot better than I thought it was going to be! So, what lesson have we learned here? Don't get all worked up until you need to. Reading the article my mother sent me and talking to my friend who had had a similar injury got me thinking that I was going to be laid up for at least 3 months. I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since surgery and I'm going to be up and around already! Hooray. No more bad television; no more sitting on the couch endless hours; no more sleeping on the couch (unless by choice, of course).

Here I Am

Here I am, stuck on my couch, ankle broken. I've been here for over a week and a half, save the day I was in the hospital for my surgery. A freak accident which has led me to not just slow down but to stop completely. Who would have thought that hopping off my friend's porch over her flower bed would lead to me being parked, missing the last two weeks of the school year and some of my summer? But it is what it is. I can sit here and look at all the bad things that have come of this, or I can look at the good. I always say there is a reason for everything, which is my way of looking for that silver lining, no matter how small. And in this instance, I am again going to look at the silver lining.

To be honest, I was on the verge of a nervous break down at work. The chaos of the school and the horrible moods of everyone there were really starting to get to me. So, the beginning of my silver lining is the fact that my summer vacation started 2 weeks early. 2 weeks to sit and relax. Fall in and out of sleep as it comes. Watch hours of television or play on the computer.

Also, this whole thing has shown me that I may not die alone with my dogs eating my eyes out. I have really not sat here too long by myself over the past week and a half. In fact, I have been turning down offers for visits and meals in order to sit here in the silence. I know I have several friends that are only a phone call away to help me around the house, bring me a meal or just plain break the monotony.

And third, me being incapacitated has forced the kids to step up their game around the house. S has been getting me food, going to the grocery store, doing a little laundry, taking out the trash. C has watered plants, gotten me things I need, generally helped when necessary. Now, if I could just get them to wipe the counters and change the toilet paper roll, we would be set. I really think this is going to be good for them. I realize they are very independent, more so than many kids their ages, but in some ways, I do too much for them. When I walk into the kitchen and the countertop is not the right color because of all the ick on it, I realize that it's time for me to stop cleaning up behind them. When my 16 year old comments on how the "hygiene in the house has gone down hill," I realize that they may need to become more aware of how often I really do wipe down the kitchen and bathrooms, sweep the floor, change the cover on the couch, etc., etc. So this may be a good learning experience for them.

But I have been literally just sitting here doing nothing for an entire week and a half. I have decided that, if I'm going to be laid up, I need to do something productive, thus the reinstatement of this blog. I've graded all my papers and gotten all the end-of-school chores lined up to be finished by the kids and my friends, so all I've got at this point is time. I don't know how productive this blog will be to the rest of the world. I mean, I'm not giving tips on how to find great deals or decorate your home or make the most of your relationships. I'm just a girl, sitting on the couch with too much time on her hands...I've led a pretty "interesting" life so far and have much life experience, experience more diverse than the average bear.

So, I guess I'll write this mostly to pass the time stuck on the couch but also to maybe inspire me to write something great...the great American novel or something. Ha Ha.

On knowing that single is the best option....

So, it has been a really long time since I have written anything. Last semester was busy with school and grad school. I was trying to find my teaching groove. I had no time to think about men or dating or going out. However, since grad school let out before winter break and school slowed down with the break and then finals, I had a little bit of time to question whether or not being single was as glorious as I was beginning to think it was. I am still not fully convinced that being single is utopia, but then again, is being in a relationship ever utopia past the first few months? There are some distinct advantages to single life. I can do what I want when I want to do it. If I want to come home on Friday and not leave the house until Monday, I can do that. If I want to see some girly chick flick, I can do that without anyone complaining and rolling their eyes beside me. My house is cleaner. I can sleep with my dogs in the bed. I can go hang out with whichever friends I want without having to worry about someone else getting along with them. I can wear sweats all the time and no one cares.

But, there are a lot of things I miss about being in a relationship. I miss having someone to talk to at night. When I do want to lock myself in my house for the weekend, it would be nice to have someone else around, at least part of the time, to hold a conversation with. I miss someone asking me how my day was and really caring. I miss intimacy, a lot. Not the sex part, but the wanting to sit next to someone and hold their hand part.

But finding those things comes at a cost, and I have come to the conclusion that that cost is too high. The putting yourself out there and being disappointed time after time. I could sit on here and tell you story after story about men who have told me one thing and then done another. And, at this point, I am so used to getting lied to, I almost expect it. A guy tells me he'll call me and doesn't call at the exact time he said he would, and I immediately believe I'll never hear from him again. And most of the time, I am right. Yet, I keep falling for it. Why? I think life would be much easier if I just shut myself off. I'm tired of thinking, "Okay. This one may be different." And then being proven wrong every time. EVERY TIME.

So, I give. I'm done. I am accepting the fact that I am just not meant to be in a relationship. I am meant to be the crazy dog lady. And it's okay. I have my kids, and I need to focus on them. I deserve better than I have ever gotten, and it's time for me to put my foot down. I am better than needing a man. I DON'T need a man.

Wow. I have been really, really busy lately. Haven't had time to blog at all. My last entry was on the first day of school, and the first six weeks just ended on Friday. So, I turned 40 last Monday. Kind of bittersweet. I've had a great birthday (or as my dad calls it birthday month). I started the celebration with a visit to my best friend from college, Stephanie, on the 19th. Hadn't seen her in 7 years. We had a blast. She's one of those friends that, no matter how much time passes, we can pick up right where we left off. I got to meet her husband, who is very nice, and we had a great time catching up. Then, last Saturday, we had a party. My friend Cecelia turned 40 on Friday, so we had a big karaoke party at her house to celebrate our joint birthdays. My throat hurt the next day from singing so much. Perfect way to usher in a new decade. The culmination of my birthday celebration is next weekend with a girls' road trip to Austin. Can't wait. All my best friends are going. We are staying in a great hotel. Fun.

Now that my actual birthday has passed, I am not having quite as hard a time with the big 4-0 as I was. However, every time I realize that I am actually 40, I cringe. I don't know why. I have so much going for me at this point, I should feel a sense of accomplishment. I have great kids and awesome friends, I am loving the new job, and I am doing well in grad school. I have a nice house and a secure financial future. And, for the first time ever, I am really, really, enjoying being single. I am really at the point where I would rather be single than in a relationship. My life is full like it is. And no man would put up with the number of dogs I have right now. 4. It's a pack, really, but they make me happy. And I also have finally gotten my house the way I want it. I have fixed everything and decorated the way I like it. So, bottom line, I have started a new decade in my life, and for the first time ever, I am right in the place where I want to be.

So, I survived the first day of teaching middle school without a scratch. It was actually much easier than I ever dreamed it would be. The kids were calm, the school was orderly. Hoping this is not the calm before some kind of big storm.......

But I think I am going to really like teaching older kids. I didn't have to do all the repetition of the rules that you have to with the small ones. They came in, they sat down, they got to work. All on their own. The schedule is a little difficult. It is going to be hard to teach a lesson and give them time for practice in 45 minutes. I'm sure I'll figure it out. However, the teaching the same lesson 5 times in a day is going to wear on me, I think. I was so sick of going over rules by the end of the day, I wanted to scream.

Oh, well, this is a brand new adventure....

Exhausted, Anxious....

Not sure what the deal is with me, or maybe I am. Let's see...have been going non-stop for the past pretty much 4 weeks straight--a week of pre-school shopping, 2 weeks of training and this week at my new school. Monday officially begins my life as a middle school teacher. I'm exhausted, anxious, freaked out, stressed out. And as bad as this all seems, it really isn't. I read a blog the other day about how we don't just live one continuous life but a series of small lives all connected together. If this is true, then I am starting my next new life. My most recent life has been the one in which I have adjusted to being single and gotten back on my feet. I've been feeling for a while that I was ready for a new phase, or a new life, and this is it. So, I am standing on the edge looking out over the horizon.

So, I have been in these meetings at my school for the past two days. Everything is going well. I like the people I work with. I like my school and my room. Our principal has been showing us "The Ron Clark Story" in an effort to inspire us. And, yes, his story is wonderful and inspiring, but to a person who has never taught middle school, it is quite terrifying. Have you seen this movie? This guy goes from South Carolina or somewhere like that to teach in Harlem. The kids do their best to run him off. In the end, he ends up inspiring them, blah, blah, blah. Wonderful story. However, the crap the kids put him through during the time they were trying to run him off...how could he make it through that? And you think it could be a big exaggeration, but I have taught before. Nothing surprises me at this point. So, let's hope that next week for me isn't anywhere near Ron Clark's first week, or everyone will have to visit me in the insane asylum.